Our Story of Loss and Infertility: Part 1

I want to share our story/journey in hopes that other women going through something like this may find hope and encouragement in a time of despair. This will be a 3-part-series, because I tend to ramble on in my storytelling. Just so you know.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4:  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Let’s go back to February 2011. Brian and I had been married for almost a year. It had already been a very tough year, mostly with family illnesses, family drama, death, and adjusting to the first year of marriage (and it was only 2 months into the year). Little did we know what was to come.

Just before Valentines Day in 2011, I found out I was pregnant. We hadn’t been “trying” per se, but it happened and we were thrilled. It was such a rush of emotions. A couple months prior Brian and I had discussed waiting maybe 3-5 years of marriage before we introduced a baby into our lives. Hah. The Lord works in mysterious ways. The next morning I called my OBGYN to schedule our first appointment and was taken back when the nurse said “Ok, we’ll see you at your 8 week appointment…” What? I have to wait that long?! There was a nervousness inside of me that wanted to go in that day so they could tell me everything looked healthy. Well, turns out that’s pretty standard procedure to wait.  A couple days later on Friday morning I woke up to a lot of bright red blood.  My heart has never increased in speed in so little time.  I felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I thought I might pass out and throw up at the same time. Not because of the blood, but because I knew what it meant. I woke Brian up and told him what was going on. I think I was shaking a little bit and probably looked really confused. He was so sweet to console me and pray with me. I called the doctor’s emergency line and he returned my call promptly. We went in 2 hours later (since it was 6 am at the time). He couldn’t confirm that I was having a miscarriage at the time of the appointment, but they drew some blood and did a standard exam. The rushed blood tests would later confirm that afternoon that I was indeed having a miscarriage.  How could this be? Could my biggest fear becoming true? It was the longest weekend of my life just waiting it out. Thankfully I was so early on there wasn’t much pain and there was no need for a D&C.  Brian was so wonderful and helped balance my sad meltdowns where I couldn’t say anything but only cry.  This happened for weeks to follow. All I could think was “Oh my gosh, we’re going to have problems conceiving….what if I can’t carry out a full pregnancy?” And of course about 1,000 other horrible thoughts. I was also sorta grateful that my boss had experienced something similar, so she was very empathetic to me missing work for 2 days.

Thankfully, Brian was able to help me see the light in the dark circumstances. He was so hopeful for the future. I was too, but it was just clouded for a bit.  During this time we pressed into our church Home Group (what a God send!) and I also went through a program called Recovery: Steps Study (sorta like the 12 step AA program). It couldn’t have been better timing. I was already a couple weeks in once I had my miscarriage. I’ve never cried like that in front of a room of “acquaintances” before. It was so freeing.  I learned a lot about myself and about sin in general and the power of the Lord’s grace and love for me. (Of course this is a journey and I’m still learning/growing.)

You never think it will actually be you that it happens to. I was surprised to discover how many other women I knew that had miscarriages. Learning this I wanted to share with some of my close girlfriends so that if in fact it does happen to any of them, they know I am available if they need me. Just knowing someone else went through something similar is comforting.

The next couple of months would probably be best described as closet depression for me. Many of my friends were announcing their (often second) pregnancy or posting cute photos of their children and made getting pregnant look effortless. Of course they had every right to share these things with their family/friends/community, it was just hard for me to truly enjoy it with them. I was totally failing at the “rejoice with others” suggestion from Paul in Romans.  I would smile and congratulate them, but inside I was envious and jealous. A lot of “why?” questions would snow-ball inside of me. It wasn’t healthy, but I’m sure it was natural.  So, I chose to run towards God instead of away from. It could only help for me to press into him, since he is the Creator of all things, right?  He’s always provided for me and His timing is completely sovereign, but this particular year things got really hard as if hitting a cement wall. Why now?

I soon began trying to stop asking all the “why me… why us… why now?” questions and instead look a all the blessings in our life. We were blessed with a wonderful home that we loved, a (nearly) perfect dog, a supportive church community, family, a job I loved, good health, etc… I needed to learn to better trust the Lord.  There has been no evidence or reason for me not to Trust God. He is the author and perfector of my faith, and circumstances should not change my level of trust and faith in Him. If anything, this journey has taught me to trust Him in spite of my circumstances. God used this very dark and difficult season to draw me nearer to him, not to suck the joy from my life. I’ve gained more joy by pressing into him and learning that His timing and blessings are completely sovereign.








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