I want to share our story/journey in hopes that other women going through something like this may find hope and encouragement in a time of despair. This will be a 3-part-series, because I tend to ramble on in my storytelling. Just so you know.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4:  ³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Let’s go back to February 2011. Brian and I had been married for almost a year. It had already been a very tough year, mostly with family illnesses, family drama, death, and adjusting to the first year of marriage (and it was only 2 months into the year). Little did we know what was to come.

Just before Valentines Day in 2011, I found out I was pregnant. We hadn’t been “trying” per se, but it happened and we were thrilled. It was such a rush of emotions. A couple months prior Brian and I had discussed waiting maybe 3-5 years of marriage before we introduced a baby into our lives. Hah. The Lord works in mysterious ways. The next morning I called my OBGYN to schedule our first appointment and was taken back when the nurse said “Ok, we’ll see you at your 8 week appointment…” What? I have to wait that long?! There was a nervousness inside of me that wanted to go in that day so they could tell me everything looked healthy. Well, turns out that’s pretty standard procedure to wait.  A couple days later on Friday morning I woke up to a lot of bright red blood.  My heart has never increased in speed in so little time.  I felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I thought I might pass out and throw up at the same time. Not because of the blood, but because I knew what it meant. I woke Brian up and told him what was going on. I think I was shaking a little bit and probably looked really confused. He was so sweet to console me and pray with me. I called the doctor’s emergency line and he returned my call promptly. We went in 2 hours later (since it was 6 am at the time). He couldn’t confirm that I was having a miscarriage at the time of the appointment, but they drew some blood and did a standard exam. The rushed blood tests would later confirm that afternoon that I was indeed having a miscarriage.  How could this be? Could my biggest fear becoming true? It was the longest weekend of my life just waiting it out. Thankfully I was so early on there wasn’t much pain and there was no need for a D&C.  Brian was so wonderful and helped balance my sad meltdowns where I couldn’t say anything but only cry.  This happened for weeks to follow. All I could think was “Oh my gosh, we’re going to have problems conceiving….what if I can’t carry out a full pregnancy?” And of course about 1,000 other horrible thoughts. I was also sorta grateful that my boss had experienced something similar, so she was very empathetic to me missing work for 2 days.

Thankfully, Brian was able to help me see the light in the dark circumstances. He was so hopeful for the future. I was too, but it was just clouded for a bit.  During this time we pressed into our church Home Group (what a God send!) and I also went through a program called Recovery: Steps Study (sorta like the 12 step AA program). It couldn’t have been better timing. I was already a couple weeks in once I had my miscarriage. I’ve never cried like that in front of a room of “acquaintances” before. It was so freeing.  I learned a lot about myself and about sin in general and the power of the Lord’s grace and love for me. (Of course this is a journey and I’m still learning/growing.)

You never think it will actually be you that it happens to. I was surprised to discover how many other women I knew that had miscarriages. Learning this I wanted to share with some of my close girlfriends so that if in fact it does happen to any of them, they know I am available if they need me. Just knowing someone else went through something similar is comforting.

The next couple of months would probably be best described as closet depression for me. Many of my friends were announcing their (often second) pregnancy or posting cute photos of their children and made getting pregnant look effortless. Of course they had every right to share these things with their family/friends/community, it was just hard for me to truly enjoy it with them. I was totally failing at the “rejoice with others” suggestion from Paul in Romans.  I would smile and congratulate them, but inside I was envious and jealous. A lot of “why?” questions would snow-ball inside of me. It wasn’t healthy, but I’m sure it was natural.  So, I chose to run towards God instead of away from. It could only help for me to press into him, since he is the Creator of all things, right?  He’s always provided for me and His timing is completely sovereign, but this particular year things got really hard as if hitting a cement wall. Why now?

I soon began trying to stop asking all the “why me… why us… why now?” questions and instead look a all the blessings in our life. We were blessed with a wonderful home that we loved, a (nearly) perfect dog, a supportive church community, family, a job I loved, good health, etc… I needed to learn to better trust the Lord.  There has been no evidence or reason for me not to Trust God. He is the author and perfector of my faith, and circumstances should not change my level of trust and faith in Him. If anything, this journey has taught me to trust Him in spite of my circumstances. God used this very dark and difficult season to draw me nearer to him, not to suck the joy from my life. I’ve gained more joy by pressing into him and learning that His timing and blessings are completely sovereign.

TUNE IN FOR PART 2….

I’m so grateful to be this far along. It seems so early still, yet I’ve made some significant progress. I still haven’t written our “story” that got us here, but I promise I will soon. Maybe in the next blog post… stay tuned. I’m making a book with maternity photos and brief descriptions from each week. This is the layout for week 15, which may be hard to read so I have more info written below.

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HOW FAR ALONG?  15 weeks…. only 24-ish left.

SIZE OF OUR SWEET BABY? The size of a navel orange! 4-4.5 inches, 3-5 oz.

MATERNITY CLOTHES? Still rockin’ most of my flowy, high-waisted, a-line dresses. Although, some of them are just beginning to look awkward, like I don’t know how to buy clothes that fit right. hah.  I’ve tried the belly band over my jeans and it’s a big fail. every time I move or bend over, I have to readjust. How do so many women use this this thing? Am I doing it wrong??

GENDER: TBD… we find out in 5 weeks!

SLEEP? If I lie down for a cat nap, I’m out like a light and can sleep for 2 hours straight with no problem. But sleeping at night is no longer smooth sailing. I had no idea it would happen so early in pregnancy. There are at least 3 occasions per night I get up to pee, in addition to the 27 times I re-adjust. I’m trying to get all the tummy and back sleeping time I can until I’m too big.

FOOD CRAVINGS? Oh man… don’t get me started. Pickles (so cliche, I know- but I had an intense love for pickles pre-pregnancy so it’s way stronger now), anything salty, Asian food (just tried Pho for the 1st time this weekend), and sausage+cheese KOLACHES. We made a special stop at the Czech stop bakery in West, TX on the way back from Austin this wknd and it was so worth it.

WHAT I MISS? Drinking my daily cup of hot earl grey tea. I can totally have a cup if I wanted, but I feel like if I haven’t had any up until this point why should I? Also, summer fruity drinks (margaritas & such).

SYMPTOMS? I just feel like I’m kinda “growing”. My belly feels tight at certain points of the day. I’ve been super exhausted since week 6 of pregnancy, and I feel like maybe this week it’s sorta tapering off? (That might also be due to the fact we had a super relaxing weekend, with lots of rest, naps, and down time.)

BELLY BUTTON?  It’s still an “inny” but it’s stretching and getting bigger. (That sounds gross.)

BEST MOMENT(S) OF THE PAST COUPLE WEEKS?  (1) Gather Retreat. I co-hosted a creative Christian women’s retreat with 2 friends out of town two weekends ago. It was a huge success and so much fun. (2) Austin Heaven (weekend get away at a cabin near Austin with Brian) for some much needed R&R. (3) Brian and I talking about hypotheticals with our future child this week. I truly appreciate and am so grateful for his funny personality and creativity/resourcefulness. For instance: we were talking about what it’d be like if I left him to his own devices to dress and raise our child and he started talking about rigging up some of his own white t-shirts and knotting them at the bottom to be a “onesie” and then making some baby socks out of his own socks by cutting them down in size and zip-tying them very loosely around the baby’s feet.  I mean, seriously who thinks of these things?!

Last night I had the intention of using a recipe to make our shrimp and grits dinner, but I just winged it instead. I was surprisingly impressed by my efforts.  I am pregnant and was starving so there was no time for patience in following a recipe & adding extra ingredients. Here’s what I threw together…. Also, I only snapped a photo with my iPhone since I was hungry and there was no time to get my big camera out .

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INGREDIENTS:
SHRIMP & GRITS
- 1 bag of fresh or frozen jumbo shrimp (peeled, devained, mine had the tail on)
- Metal or wooden skewers
- Salt & Pepper
- Tony Chachere (seasoning)
- Garlic Powder
- Lemon Pepper
- Chopped fresh cilantro or dried cilantro
- Olive Oil
- 6 C of instant Grits
- Butter
- Shredded sharp cheddar

SALAD: (Throw any produce you have together to make a pretty salad!)
- Mixed Greens
- Carrot (shredded)
- Colored Bell Pepper
- Cherry tomatoes (sliced)
- Banana peppers
- Light Balsamic Vinaigrette
- Salt & Pepper
- Tony Chachere (seasoning)
- Lemon Pepper
- Mozzarella (diced)
- Green onions (chopped) – save some for grits topper/garnish

DIRECTIONS:
1. Thaw shrimp (run room temp water over shrimp in collander & set aside until thawed).
2. Skewer shrimp (I used three metal skewers) and set on a foil lined baking sheet.
3. Drizzle olive oil over all the shrimp so they’re coated.
4. Sprinkle all the different seasonings onto the shrimp (to your liking- I used a lot). Flip & repeat so both sides are coated with olive oil & seasoning.
5. Let sit while you warm up the grill (we use a gas grill so it was only a few minutes).
6. While your waiting on the grill, make your grits (follow instructions on box/packets). I boiled 2.5 C of water and added 1/2 C of milk in once it was boiling. Then, I added the grits and whisked until smooth-ish.
7. Add butter and shredded cheese (to your liking) to the grits, as well as, Salt & Pepper and Garlic powder.
8. Grill shrimp for 2.5 min on one side, flip and grill about 3 min on other side. (Total of about 5 minutes- until they’re pink & not opaque.)
9. While shrimp is grilling and grits are simmering (stir often until smooth and thick) make your salad.
10. Fill a large bowl with grits and top with  chopped green onions. ENJOY!